Jingle Bells

Dear Son,
Jacob Jambalaya-Jerusalem-Jungle-Gym McCall;
remember that toy car you wanted, that squirt gun...daddy and i getting back together...
well that ain't gon happen..sit yo black ass down...!!!
Now!!! I got something to tell you...

Oh saint nick is a poser
a composition of our layered culture
with outdated recipes that they morphed into a folklore melting pot
Some anorexic weirdo was watching kids, late @ night, trying to stay "anonymous" and got caught
the world didn't want to admit he was a pedophile and needed to be locked up
so they gave him a story line
30,000 cookies later
he's a fat old pasty bastard
who didn't really want touch the kids
he just wanted to see what they were doing.
i say sex offender-u say santa
THIS MAN IS A PSYCHO
a BIG RED & WHITE TERRORIST!!!
jumping from town to town like he's club hopping
The North Pole is as real as the brain cells in George Bush's head
can't be filing taxes if ur address don't exist
a mythical beast breaking and entering
no 24hr notice, no warrant, it was not consentual
--I'm pressing charges.
forcing his way, molesting my chimney walls
eating my cookies, drinking my milk
sounds like bad foreplay to me
Santa, u were not that subtle
frustrated you leave me with presents i didn't ask for
if chlamydia had a receipt, i would return it...immediately
You don't call, so i write
poppin up unannounced
maybe he travels that much because he's homeless
i mean he's never home, or maybe then he'd reply to my letters
since he knows everything i'm doing
i think it's only right that we get to know him better

Dear Santa...
Hey, who are you?
last night you were actin pretty bold
I asked you a question and in response
you give me coal
filling up my stockings to tell me what I'm worth
then degrading me into nothing but seasonal peppermint candies that you like to taste
and then leave me...for another year...to only come by when I'm sleeping...What's that about?!!!
I'm not dead...I'm sleep, if your into necrophilia i know a gravesite you can visit, however it might not be open.
I'm always trying to be convenient for you, relocate @ a moment's notice
that's what i get for associating myself with a man who's environmentally racist he's hopeless
only going to homes with chimneys
u kno the hood ain't got no damn chimneys
and leavin us with the scraps that fall off ur back when u fly over our town
and u wonder why we are always addicted to crack
when u toss us a hand-me-down of black rocks
to let us know it belongs to us
while planting it's secret chemicals into our Christmas trees to see how high we need to get
til we stop noticing that you -Santa
the "great Samaritan" is too good to give us anything that will bring us up
you overweight sweatshop having S.O.B.
looking like an undercooked red velvet cheesecake cup cake

oh....don't think we don't know how you been treatin them animals
Take Rudolph to the hospital with that DAMN tumor on his nose!!!
don't make no damn sense...
p.s. (I'm calling PETA...)
MERRY Christmas!!!!!