A Silent Lullaby

I want to sing you a lullaby
But you'll never hear it
You'll never know the melody of music
that my love would have made for you

Instead, I wrap your remains in tissue paper
send you off to God
My womb and I decided you over stayed your welcome
so I made you leave
collapsed your safe haven; exit only

clenching onto my walls leaving with a fight
you never cried
just left me with heavy tears
staining everything
so that I will never forget
who i forcefully miscarried
I made my decision
that "you weren't worth having
because my life was worth keeping"
I disagree with that statement now

I wanna sing you a lullaby
but you won't hear it
the lyrics won't make your ultrasound picture fade from my memory
My uterus is now hollow ground
I am forever haunted with what once was
We held your funeral in my bathroom
carved your eulogy in my flesh
I never allowed you to leave footprints outside my womb

you weren't worth much to your father (either)
just an incident that needed to be taken care of
but his body didn't cradle you like mine did
he didn't feel you asking for your mother
while you were being deleted from my system

thunderclouds, are just aborted babies that never got the chance to cry
never got the chance to learn their song

lullabies usually stop the crying
but who's gonna sing to me?
tell my womb to stop grieving
mourning the lost won't bring you back
turning bodies into grave sites
clinics into death sentences
I don't know how to be a childless mother
how to rub an empty belly
and cherish first words and tiny hugs from an absent baby
you're with God now
a thundercloud teasing my sunny days

I've been using your father
too afraid to be alone
so I keep him around
my thoughts are cheering demons taunting my sanity
telling me I killed my purpose
you were something we didn't need
something I couldn't handle alone
told my body that it needed to malfunction
babies won't live here anymore

hearing the pulse of something else
a clicking timer
waiting for me to leave
let these demons lynch my soul
It dangles inside of me

I don't deserve to exist
I'll evict my soul from this life
search for you in the heavens
find my thundercloud
sing you that lullaby
so you can finally get the chance to cry